I wish he knew how much she cares , how much she loved his imperfections , loved the way he made her nervous , wished he called when she feels down .. small words from him would turn things around .. wishing he would clean out the road so she can make one last choice .. rather that just standing at the cross road wondering how much she will regret not going on the other one .. remembering all the things people in love said about how painful waiting can be .. never thinking she will be on that side . loving him much to let him go seemed like the song .. not the reality that she can actually do , lying to her self that he's finally out of her mind ..
As much as she was taken off with the ideas of flying marshmallows dreams that he stupidly shared it with a sunken heart from sweetness , promising her with life ..
Parents always said that sweet will do no good , never to realize that they were talking about all sweet stuff . sweet devils teeth !! 

Why so sad !!

 Yesterday I attended an event in my university , and honestly it was well done by the student , and the cause was something not given the interest it should have . the campaign was named " why your sad " they went around the university asking people why are you grumpy .. trying to find a reasonable answer so they can give solutions !! It is given as granted that Jordanian people are always grumpy .. it is a part of our culture .. but the truth is ... most people just don't really understand what makes them happy .. it's not sitting around waiting for miracles .. or complaining about mistakes people do , that you your self do them .. not about bossing around waiting for people to accomplish your dreams .. Happiness is when you work out a miracle .. miracles to people who need it , happiness is when you start the change .. and stop preaching people with words - though it can be so powerful if lined well - but with goodness that you show them and give them , it's about inspiring other to be happy .. successful .. honest .. We watched stand up comedy and many others activities that made us laugh . but people forget that once they walk from the doors .. it wasn't enough to change our daily perspective .. to change how we take things . and control our reactions !! The process to that isn't exactly a picnic .. but we can at least try .. Spread words of Joy . happiness .. you never know when you might change someone's entire day .

 “Would you like to save the world from the degradation and destruction it seems destined for? Then step away from shallow mass movements and quietly go to work on your own self-awareness. If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.”  ~Lao Tzu  

The idea seems pretty charming if I can see him again . it's strange how total strangers can effect us without the slightest interaction with us .. one moment to be remembered .. I wish I can see him again everyday and don't realize that he's the same guy I saw today so I would still hope to see him again in a different day , and think that there is more than one that can effect me in such a way without having enough of me to hurt me 

we grow .. but we forget along the process that it;s not just about adding numbers the years we're wasting , but we should grow to be who we want .. better version of the character we want , make a difference , in ourselves and others . choose the colors of our own vision .. 

I guess I just got used to the sound of my frightened heart bouncing inside of my chest trying to find away to escape , how I am dealing with this fear and actually applying all my well dressed speeches I always gave to my friends and some of my family members is another thing though , I always found it easy to preach and get my "written" words together in a neat , wise way . but to apply it is brave ...
getting my self busy was more difficult than I've imagined , suddenly all my ideas seems weak and lame , and am too lazy to even get out of bed to start doing them ,  all I want to do is to tumblr my day through , and thinking that all that is just one stupid idea of wasting time , I've tried cutting my hair , it use to work in the past but now seems that I've become immune to such desperate move to cut the edges of the past ..
writing became another frighting thing to do , because it always revolved around my fear , about you , about how am losing parts of me , and that's not what I want ... I want to find an escape of this hole I've put my self in . ignoring this subject again and getting back on getting busy .
yes I keep sketching my thoughts and few things for people I care about would just love to be translated into something to read for instance .
I redecorated the notes on my closet , printed new quotes and draw few others , but then the next morning I forget to look at them to draw energy from them ..
Reading .. I have all the books I have again . as much as I loved those books and really enjoyed the drunk feeling I get when I lose my self inside the book and wake up crying because my favorite character died in the end or I have misunderstood the entire case and mess identifying the murder's while everyone in the book seemed to figure it out .. but it ends so quickly .. I have thought that I need another collection of books but again I barely feel like leaving to get some .
I guess in the end .. getting busy is another lame thing to escape from something that grows within ..
so right now I have decided that getting busy and trying aimlessly to distract myself is pointless and this feeling might or might not go away but again .. that's not the point . I know I will be fine , and I will find myself , a newer version ,and  stronger

I believed in the power I held since it was my decision to leave .. I walked away with this huge relief that I was sure of what am doing , the consciousness of my actions .. I will never look back regretting trusting my heart , they say better later than never , I remember hearing my heart convincing my mind with this over and over again . I was ready to deal with with what ever was yet feel after this , guilt , FEAR ..
Guilt for not trusting my heart earlier in the beginning .  Spending time longer than my " thinking cup of coffee " or should I say cups ..  I thought fear will go away . My poor heart drained heart beats trying to awaken me .. it wasn't mutual , don't go any deeper , it goes both ways , and my heart knew he can't go deeper than that .. I tried to convince my self that it will be fine with all that adrenaline .. I though maybe thinking can do me good , as people always have said .
FEAR , at first I thought it was cold , but cold doesn't shiver through your heart through your inner peace .. I am even more afraid that I can't figure out why am afraid . As one of the most valuable lessons of my life I learned to always know how I feel . Why .. and what to do from there .. so basically this was like a maze to my mind .. the kind of maze that could drive you insane .. the ones my father would give me to keep me busy for weeks .. to wake up one day knowing the solution ..
Right now am hoping I won't spend weeks drunk from thinking ..
I hope tomorrow brings my mind amnesia ..

colored or not .. I used to think that to see in colors .. all the energy requires the actual colors ... but then I found the most exotic things to see , with less colors , less energy , and they were as beautiful as the rainbow . and then I realized that all you have to do is want it enough , it's the energy within you that's reflected to all that see and become to realize ..
I see things in the colors I choose , and that doesn't demote their value nor their meaning . It's just my way to

perceive energy 

safe place

The idea of having a safe palace always gets my attraction , and remind again of something I spend so much time trying to pretend that I forget , a place of my own just a little time for my self where I , and only I , can access it .. without worrying that your ghost will haunt me there , without the fear of your flashing shadow in front of me , or the feel of your breath on my face , or the touch of your hand .. anything related to you , your past .. as much as I try not to speak about you

or write .. it always does ... 

Anti-Bullying Animation

October is Bully prevention month .. STAY STRONG

Penguins

My friends always tell me that I walk like a penguin which I think is pretty cute actually .. and still a mystery that I never do walk in straight line ..

Snow Patrol 'You Could Be Happy' Animation

I always reply to people when they ask me where do I get my strength and positiveness from and my answer is always the same, from you  , and as I was watching a tv show with mom this morning a leadership trainee actually mentioned that it works for some to inspire others to inspire themselves. for quite a long time I have denied this fact because it seemed to me the most selfish thing ever .. I mean it is basically taking advantage of people’s need for Inspiration to make yourself feel better , which makes me kinda like the people I hate , and I would be doing exactly what I preach people not to do , but since I couldn’t find anything that gives me the same joy and self satisfaction , I decide I double it .. for each time I feel am down and I need to make myself feel better and GO Inspire people and make them laugh I remind myself that it’s doubled so I have to do it for 2 people .. and the number goes up based on how much am lacking inner light ,,
well the reason am sharing this with you today , because today I was given this huge energy which I didn’t ask for from a good friend / previous college on mine , without me having to inspire anyone !! which kinda made me think that I need to change the rules again and inspire 3 for such great gift I received .. it turns out it’s much harder when you decide that they should be totally strangers .  

sometimes it seems easier to just wear a mask , hide who we are , what we do .. thinking that we would change or it would keep us safe , but there always will be this urge to come out and be free . no more secrets .. the burden we carry on our backs from carrying all those secrets will weigh us down and spread darkness and doubt into our souls .. the idea of coming out clear seems very tempting , but in the other hand very expensive price for everyone to see through you .. so how about doing that all at once .

Quote of the day

When I first read this quote , I thought it was nonsense .. but when read it again yesterday suddenly it meant a lot of things I couldn't find words to express ..

Lesson of the day

When you become an unfamiliar face among all other , and your name is just another bunch of letters ..

Inspire Change and Express
it sums up my purpose of this entire blog actually , as cold as the abbreviation sounds the inner topics are different which is kind of a sweet contradictory ...
am neither a really good writer nor a good in drawing as you can tell , but I truly found it comforting to do so ...

People marry each other when they're in love ,, because they want to see where that love would take them , and they want to spend whatever time they have left together ... But we push them away .. afraid of what might their love do to us ..