Decisions

Good mornings everyone .. It's been quite a while since I have posted anything here or even write anything that matters , and that's sad , because I know somehow that it means am lacking a bit of clarity , overwhelmed choices  . and not being able to figure exactly why am still drifting away is still a part of the puzzle .. but here I am today making another "uneasy" choice and am well aware of its consequences to write bunch of scrambled words about few choices and decision  I have made recently that I have to admit though the process wasn't quite "right" but it's working just fine for me - so far at least .

So decision #1 :
Dying my hair in every color I want - not all at once .. again not now at least .
so I have asked my parents and brother about what they think about me dying my hair copper red , since there is a lot of parties coming up the next couple of months , and they all raged in my face about just how beautiful my hair looks like without anything , and I should leave it the same , but the point they all missed isn't that I wasn't confident enough about how I look , but I wanted the change , god I even need it . and you realize the importance of the change , few things may seem fine the way they are .. and everything is working fine with it , that we forget that change can be as good as right now , even better sometimes . true it can be a lot worse , but as one of my life rules , is that it's enough that we have gone through the journey itself . so basically - away from the girly hair color issue -  I am prompting CHANGE  .. whenever you're feeling comfortable where you are , then it's time to change ..

Decision #2
HONESTY .. to be honest this is the most difficult decision I have to confess that I am struggling with , see almost 4 years ago I came to the conclusion that I am not as quite as honest as I  "thought" and started doing some life changing things regarding me always being honest about how I feel , and always question the reason I do anything - since it's all connected in my case -  and I have .. truly have , and the best kind of decisions came out and more kind of "happy endings " . But here's the thing sometimes your doing something for so long , that you forget why or even what you're doing .. LOST is probably a good word here , but it's the weird kind , the one where you don't even know you're in ..
So I thought it was very useful if I write some goals , and express feeling in specific words on pieces of paper and keep them in a box  - like shredded diary - and in the end of the month you would just read all about how you feel , and have a new perspective on them probably have a new feelings . to be able to look back at things and how you felt about them , make the next decisions based on how you are feeling , should feel regarding "temporary" feelings . Look back at old times / feeling ,, feel again then think again .

I wish he knew how much she cares , how much she loved his imperfections , loved the way he made her nervous , wished he called when she feels down .. small words from him would turn things around .. wishing he would clean out the road so she can make one last choice .. rather that just standing at the cross road wondering how much she will regret not going on the other one .. remembering all the things people in love said about how painful waiting can be .. never thinking she will be on that side . loving him much to let him go seemed like the song .. not the reality that she can actually do , lying to her self that he's finally out of her mind ..
As much as she was taken off with the ideas of flying marshmallows dreams that he stupidly shared it with a sunken heart from sweetness , promising her with life ..
Parents always said that sweet will do no good , never to realize that they were talking about all sweet stuff . sweet devils teeth !! 

Why so sad !!

 Yesterday I attended an event in my university , and honestly it was well done by the student , and the cause was something not given the interest it should have . the campaign was named " why your sad " they went around the university asking people why are you grumpy .. trying to find a reasonable answer so they can give solutions !! It is given as granted that Jordanian people are always grumpy .. it is a part of our culture .. but the truth is ... most people just don't really understand what makes them happy .. it's not sitting around waiting for miracles .. or complaining about mistakes people do , that you your self do them .. not about bossing around waiting for people to accomplish your dreams .. Happiness is when you work out a miracle .. miracles to people who need it , happiness is when you start the change .. and stop preaching people with words - though it can be so powerful if lined well - but with goodness that you show them and give them , it's about inspiring other to be happy .. successful .. honest .. We watched stand up comedy and many others activities that made us laugh . but people forget that once they walk from the doors .. it wasn't enough to change our daily perspective .. to change how we take things . and control our reactions !! The process to that isn't exactly a picnic .. but we can at least try .. Spread words of Joy . happiness .. you never know when you might change someone's entire day .

 “Would you like to save the world from the degradation and destruction it seems destined for? Then step away from shallow mass movements and quietly go to work on your own self-awareness. If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.”  ~Lao Tzu  

The idea seems pretty charming if I can see him again . it's strange how total strangers can effect us without the slightest interaction with us .. one moment to be remembered .. I wish I can see him again everyday and don't realize that he's the same guy I saw today so I would still hope to see him again in a different day , and think that there is more than one that can effect me in such a way without having enough of me to hurt me 

we grow .. but we forget along the process that it;s not just about adding numbers the years we're wasting , but we should grow to be who we want .. better version of the character we want , make a difference , in ourselves and others . choose the colors of our own vision .. 

I guess I just got used to the sound of my frightened heart bouncing inside of my chest trying to find away to escape , how I am dealing with this fear and actually applying all my well dressed speeches I always gave to my friends and some of my family members is another thing though , I always found it easy to preach and get my "written" words together in a neat , wise way . but to apply it is brave ...
getting my self busy was more difficult than I've imagined , suddenly all my ideas seems weak and lame , and am too lazy to even get out of bed to start doing them ,  all I want to do is to tumblr my day through , and thinking that all that is just one stupid idea of wasting time , I've tried cutting my hair , it use to work in the past but now seems that I've become immune to such desperate move to cut the edges of the past ..
writing became another frighting thing to do , because it always revolved around my fear , about you , about how am losing parts of me , and that's not what I want ... I want to find an escape of this hole I've put my self in . ignoring this subject again and getting back on getting busy .
yes I keep sketching my thoughts and few things for people I care about would just love to be translated into something to read for instance .
I redecorated the notes on my closet , printed new quotes and draw few others , but then the next morning I forget to look at them to draw energy from them ..
Reading .. I have all the books I have again . as much as I loved those books and really enjoyed the drunk feeling I get when I lose my self inside the book and wake up crying because my favorite character died in the end or I have misunderstood the entire case and mess identifying the murder's while everyone in the book seemed to figure it out .. but it ends so quickly .. I have thought that I need another collection of books but again I barely feel like leaving to get some .
I guess in the end .. getting busy is another lame thing to escape from something that grows within ..
so right now I have decided that getting busy and trying aimlessly to distract myself is pointless and this feeling might or might not go away but again .. that's not the point . I know I will be fine , and I will find myself , a newer version ,and  stronger

I believed in the power I held since it was my decision to leave .. I walked away with this huge relief that I was sure of what am doing , the consciousness of my actions .. I will never look back regretting trusting my heart , they say better later than never , I remember hearing my heart convincing my mind with this over and over again . I was ready to deal with with what ever was yet feel after this , guilt , FEAR ..
Guilt for not trusting my heart earlier in the beginning .  Spending time longer than my " thinking cup of coffee " or should I say cups ..  I thought fear will go away . My poor heart drained heart beats trying to awaken me .. it wasn't mutual , don't go any deeper , it goes both ways , and my heart knew he can't go deeper than that .. I tried to convince my self that it will be fine with all that adrenaline .. I though maybe thinking can do me good , as people always have said .
FEAR , at first I thought it was cold , but cold doesn't shiver through your heart through your inner peace .. I am even more afraid that I can't figure out why am afraid . As one of the most valuable lessons of my life I learned to always know how I feel . Why .. and what to do from there .. so basically this was like a maze to my mind .. the kind of maze that could drive you insane .. the ones my father would give me to keep me busy for weeks .. to wake up one day knowing the solution ..
Right now am hoping I won't spend weeks drunk from thinking ..
I hope tomorrow brings my mind amnesia ..