I guess I just got used to the sound of my frightened heart bouncing inside of my chest trying to find away to escape , how I am dealing with this fear and actually applying all my well dressed speeches I always gave to my friends and some of my family members is another thing though , I always found it easy to preach and get my "written" words together in a neat , wise way . but to apply it is brave ...
getting my self busy was more difficult than I've imagined , suddenly all my ideas seems weak and lame , and am too lazy to even get out of bed to start doing them , all I want to do is to tumblr my day through , and thinking that all that is just one stupid idea of wasting time , I've tried cutting my hair , it use to work in the past but now seems that I've become immune to such desperate move to cut the edges of the past ..
writing became another frighting thing to do , because it always revolved around my fear , about you , about how am losing parts of me , and that's not what I want ... I want to find an escape of this hole I've put my self in . ignoring this subject again and getting back on getting busy .
yes I keep sketching my thoughts and few things for people I care about would just love to be translated into something to read for instance .
I redecorated the notes on my closet , printed new quotes and draw few others , but then the next morning I forget to look at them to draw energy from them ..
Reading .. I have all the books I have again . as much as I loved those books and really enjoyed the drunk feeling I get when I lose my self inside the book and wake up crying because my favorite character died in the end or I have misunderstood the entire case and mess identifying the murder's while everyone in the book seemed to figure it out .. but it ends so quickly .. I have thought that I need another collection of books but again I barely feel like leaving to get some .
I guess in the end .. getting busy is another lame thing to escape from something that grows within ..
so right now I have decided that getting busy and trying aimlessly to distract myself is pointless and this feeling might or might not go away but again .. that's not the point . I know I will be fine , and I will find myself , a newer version ,and stronger
getting my self busy was more difficult than I've imagined , suddenly all my ideas seems weak and lame , and am too lazy to even get out of bed to start doing them , all I want to do is to tumblr my day through , and thinking that all that is just one stupid idea of wasting time , I've tried cutting my hair , it use to work in the past but now seems that I've become immune to such desperate move to cut the edges of the past ..
writing became another frighting thing to do , because it always revolved around my fear , about you , about how am losing parts of me , and that's not what I want ... I want to find an escape of this hole I've put my self in . ignoring this subject again and getting back on getting busy .
yes I keep sketching my thoughts and few things for people I care about would just love to be translated into something to read for instance .
I redecorated the notes on my closet , printed new quotes and draw few others , but then the next morning I forget to look at them to draw energy from them ..
Reading .. I have all the books I have again . as much as I loved those books and really enjoyed the drunk feeling I get when I lose my self inside the book and wake up crying because my favorite character died in the end or I have misunderstood the entire case and mess identifying the murder's while everyone in the book seemed to figure it out .. but it ends so quickly .. I have thought that I need another collection of books but again I barely feel like leaving to get some .
I guess in the end .. getting busy is another lame thing to escape from something that grows within ..
so right now I have decided that getting busy and trying aimlessly to distract myself is pointless and this feeling might or might not go away but again .. that's not the point . I know I will be fine , and I will find myself , a newer version ,and stronger
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