I guess I just got used to the sound of my frightened heart bouncing inside of my chest trying to find away to escape , how I am dealing with this fear and actually applying all my well dressed speeches I always gave to my friends and some of my family members is another thing though , I always found it easy to preach and get my "written" words together in a neat , wise way . but to apply it is brave ...
getting my self busy was more difficult than I've imagined , suddenly all my ideas seems weak and lame , and am too lazy to even get out of bed to start doing them ,  all I want to do is to tumblr my day through , and thinking that all that is just one stupid idea of wasting time , I've tried cutting my hair , it use to work in the past but now seems that I've become immune to such desperate move to cut the edges of the past ..
writing became another frighting thing to do , because it always revolved around my fear , about you , about how am losing parts of me , and that's not what I want ... I want to find an escape of this hole I've put my self in . ignoring this subject again and getting back on getting busy .
yes I keep sketching my thoughts and few things for people I care about would just love to be translated into something to read for instance .
I redecorated the notes on my closet , printed new quotes and draw few others , but then the next morning I forget to look at them to draw energy from them ..
Reading .. I have all the books I have again . as much as I loved those books and really enjoyed the drunk feeling I get when I lose my self inside the book and wake up crying because my favorite character died in the end or I have misunderstood the entire case and mess identifying the murder's while everyone in the book seemed to figure it out .. but it ends so quickly .. I have thought that I need another collection of books but again I barely feel like leaving to get some .
I guess in the end .. getting busy is another lame thing to escape from something that grows within ..
so right now I have decided that getting busy and trying aimlessly to distract myself is pointless and this feeling might or might not go away but again .. that's not the point . I know I will be fine , and I will find myself , a newer version ,and  stronger

I believed in the power I held since it was my decision to leave .. I walked away with this huge relief that I was sure of what am doing , the consciousness of my actions .. I will never look back regretting trusting my heart , they say better later than never , I remember hearing my heart convincing my mind with this over and over again . I was ready to deal with with what ever was yet feel after this , guilt , FEAR ..
Guilt for not trusting my heart earlier in the beginning .  Spending time longer than my " thinking cup of coffee " or should I say cups ..  I thought fear will go away . My poor heart drained heart beats trying to awaken me .. it wasn't mutual , don't go any deeper , it goes both ways , and my heart knew he can't go deeper than that .. I tried to convince my self that it will be fine with all that adrenaline .. I though maybe thinking can do me good , as people always have said .
FEAR , at first I thought it was cold , but cold doesn't shiver through your heart through your inner peace .. I am even more afraid that I can't figure out why am afraid . As one of the most valuable lessons of my life I learned to always know how I feel . Why .. and what to do from there .. so basically this was like a maze to my mind .. the kind of maze that could drive you insane .. the ones my father would give me to keep me busy for weeks .. to wake up one day knowing the solution ..
Right now am hoping I won't spend weeks drunk from thinking ..
I hope tomorrow brings my mind amnesia ..

colored or not .. I used to think that to see in colors .. all the energy requires the actual colors ... but then I found the most exotic things to see , with less colors , less energy , and they were as beautiful as the rainbow . and then I realized that all you have to do is want it enough , it's the energy within you that's reflected to all that see and become to realize ..
I see things in the colors I choose , and that doesn't demote their value nor their meaning . It's just my way to

perceive energy 

safe place

The idea of having a safe palace always gets my attraction , and remind again of something I spend so much time trying to pretend that I forget , a place of my own just a little time for my self where I , and only I , can access it .. without worrying that your ghost will haunt me there , without the fear of your flashing shadow in front of me , or the feel of your breath on my face , or the touch of your hand .. anything related to you , your past .. as much as I try not to speak about you

or write .. it always does ... 

Anti-Bullying Animation

October is Bully prevention month .. STAY STRONG

Penguins

My friends always tell me that I walk like a penguin which I think is pretty cute actually .. and still a mystery that I never do walk in straight line ..

Snow Patrol 'You Could Be Happy' Animation